I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
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FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor