Texts From Last Night

EriYoshida's Favorites Texts:

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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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  (515): I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me. http://tfl.nu/axuf
  Replies (10) Good night (290) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

  (813): View more from Florida

  Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Stop reading WebMD high.

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  (813): Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around? (813): Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid? (1-813): Stop reading WebMD high. http://tfl.nu/y2j5
  Replies (6) Good night (956) Bad night (204)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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  (937): Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you. http://tfl.nu/6dat
  Replies (2) Good night (1763) Bad night (192)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".

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  (+44): No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills". http://tfl.nu/ec0b
  Replies (3) Good night (548) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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  (+44): He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it http://tfl.nu/n5kq
  Replies (10) Good night (1497) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.

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  (360): Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days. http://tfl.nu/cbkv
  Replies (7) Good night (372) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.

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  (575): Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them. http://tfl.nu/kglo
  Replies (7) Good night (326) Bad night (713) Order T-Shirt
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
  Replies (9) Good night (4908) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
  Replies (16) Good night (9983) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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  (775): FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again http://tfl.nu/fzl1
  Replies (25) Good night (6523) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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  (417): For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song http://tfl.nu/a91l
  Replies (4) Good night (1244) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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  (314): Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back. http://tfl.nu/xqdn
  Replies (4) Good night (999) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
  Replies (13) Good night (2496) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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  (505): It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand. http://tfl.nu/gh3l
  Replies (3) Good night (333) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...

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  (401): I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is... http://tfl.nu/ftaa
  Replies (5) Good night (328) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?

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  (775): Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram? http://tfl.nu/uqso
  Replies (6) Good night (588) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

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  (203): wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something http://tfl.nu/kee0
  Replies (4) Good night (781) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
  Replies (9) Good night (1433) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.

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  (360): So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace. http://tfl.nu/c8hs
  Replies (5) Good night (1113) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
  Replies (4) Good night (2159) Bad night (272)
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  (424): View more from California

  Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?

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  (424): Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo? http://tfl.nu/93zn
  Replies (24) Good night (973) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go

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  (902): Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go http://tfl.nu/ajer
  Replies (7) Good night (965) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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  (850): The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud. http://tfl.nu/iki6
  Replies (8) Good night (1001) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just feel like everything is too perfect

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Or both. Which is common

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  (413): I just feel like everything is too perfect (774): He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator (774): Or both. Which is common http://tfl.nu/4u8t
  Replies (4) Good night (1043) Bad night (308)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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  (602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm
  Replies (3) Good night (1241) Bad night (349)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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  (856): i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me? http://tfl.nu/5yrh
  Replies (4) Good night (1129) Bad night (205) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

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  (913): She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car? http://tfl.nu/qi3u
  Replies (13) Good night (1156) Bad night (396)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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  (514): So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much? http://tfl.nu/8ysl
  Replies (7) Good night (1505) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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  (954): i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future http://tfl.nu/c3ju
  Replies (4) Good night (1935) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
  Replies (29) Good night (5196) Bad night (1883) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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  (720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z
  Replies (18) Good night (5878) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
  Replies (32) Good night (6807) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
  Replies (42) Good night (9675) Bad night (1503) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

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  (204): You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/qhl9
  Replies (3) Good night (1552) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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  (313): First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina http://tfl.nu/jm59
  Replies (10) Good night (3166) Bad night (966) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
  Replies (7) Good night (2741) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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  (402): Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series http://tfl.nu/c4pq
  Replies (13) Good night (3039) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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  (586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3
  Replies (10) Good night (2843) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
  Replies (11) Good night (4368) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  She swung at the pinata with crutches

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  (440): She swung at the pinata with crutches http://tfl.nu/dkgf
  Replies (4) Good night (1703) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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  (530): I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover http://tfl.nu/xq4s
  Replies (7) Good night (2639) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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  (815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b
  Replies (7) Good night (921) Bad night (3564) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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  (206): Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence. http://tfl.nu/f8os
  Replies (10) Good night (2381) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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  (208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe. http://tfl.nu/02tv
  Replies (19) Good night (3845) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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  (312): This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/7nbz
  Replies (28) Good night (4942) Bad night (2083) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor

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  (925): We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor http://tfl.nu/cj2b
  Replies (8) Good night (2077) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt