I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
