I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What should our trivia night team be named?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is that why you're texting me