I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please, let me fuck your mom
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?