the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT