There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.