Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted