He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.