Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This is my gift to your gina
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life