Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?