Pants 0. Shit 1.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Randomize
