Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.