I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".