How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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