Texts From Last Night

minglovemarks's Favorites Texts:

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  (408): View more from California

  Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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  (408): Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission http://tfl.nu/3kcn
  Replies (6) Good night (1888) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way

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  (845): Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way http://tfl.nu/6bq1
  Replies (5) Good night (1247) Bad night (475)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...

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  (804): I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts... http://tfl.nu/vjl2
  Replies (5) Good night (2026) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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  (307): this is worse than the time i threw up a condom. http://tfl.nu/98sx
  Replies (15) Good night (736) Bad night (4795) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6255) Bad night (648)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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  (270): I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely. http://tfl.nu/i6l6
  Replies (5) Good night (3087) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase

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  (717): You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase http://tfl.nu/khjs
  Replies (3) Good night (1456) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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  (731): I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come. http://tfl.nu/qxho
  Replies (5) Good night (876) Bad night (1509)
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  (310): View more from California

  Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement

  (310): View more from California

  oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.

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  (310): Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement (310): oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos. http://tfl.nu/drm3
  Replies (6) Good night (2081) Bad night (537)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.

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  (334): Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love. http://tfl.nu/oh98
  Replies (8) Good night (1624) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.

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  (734): The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me. http://tfl.nu/j8wb
  Replies (6) Good night (706) Bad night (1469) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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  (774): Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep. http://tfl.nu/pcyk
  Replies (11) Good night (1554) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.

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  (407): you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations. http://tfl.nu/xedp
  Replies (15) Good night (2105) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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  (519): I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT. http://tfl.nu/zwn2
  Replies (3) Good night (2545) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
  Replies (4) Good night (2383) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.

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  (630): What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday. http://tfl.nu/1egp
  Replies (4) Good night (1505) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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  (613): Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious? http://tfl.nu/m4yc
  Replies (11) Good night (3306) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct

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  (262): This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct http://tfl.nu/f86t
  Replies (6) Good night (1231) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.

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  (618): Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/svji
  Replies (14) Good night (1932) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My vagina supports interfraternal relations

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  (215): My vagina supports interfraternal relations http://tfl.nu/ji34
  Replies (9) Good night (1433) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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  (770): I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration. http://tfl.nu/fur7
  Replies (7) Good night (1628) Bad night (589)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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  (508): Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area. http://tfl.nu/biqi
  Replies (4) Good night (2361) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile

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  (860): my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile http://tfl.nu/1qzw
  Replies (5) Good night (628) Bad night (1472) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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  (508): I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles http://tfl.nu/zr9b
  Replies (18) Good night (3296) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.

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  (623): I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me. http://tfl.nu/we23
  Replies (5) Good night (1296) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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  (317): why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator? http://tfl.nu/5m0o
  Replies (10) Good night (2642) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...

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  (910): So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up... http://tfl.nu/q907
  Replies (11) Good night (706) Bad night (2294) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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  (801): I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified http://tfl.nu/y3tt
  Replies (13) Good night (2401) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I DIDNT GET FINGERED

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I was rubbed

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  (778): This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room. (604): I DIDNT GET FINGERED (604): I was rubbed http://tfl.nu/4nvv
  Replies (9) Good night (2276) Bad night (512)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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  (306): Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's. http://tfl.nu/a874
  Replies (6) Good night (2731) Bad night (476)
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  (212): View more from New York

  Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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  (212): Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no. http://tfl.nu/7lbb
  Replies (10) Good night (2449) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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  (715): Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out. http://tfl.nu/yvz7
  Replies (13) Good night (2592) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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  (413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu
  Replies (6) Good night (3239) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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  (919): Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY http://tfl.nu/1b9m
  Replies (26) Good night (2960) Bad night (1129)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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  (615): I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do." http://tfl.nu/0gsj
  Replies (8) Good night (3485) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  please bring me a paper towel asap.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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  (540): please bring me a paper towel asap. (540): I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do. http://tfl.nu/d1je
  Replies (10) Good night (3548) Bad night (531)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Touche.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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  (770): If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door? (910): That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating? (770): Touche. (910): I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR. http://tfl.nu/rwye
  Replies (6) Good night (3781) Bad night (677)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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  (217): Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out http://tfl.nu/2vfe
  Replies (24) Good night (3497) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
  Replies (10) Good night (4827) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
  Replies (21) Good night (4519) Bad night (688)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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  (330): Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it. http://tfl.nu/tfef
  Replies (19) Good night (1068) Bad night (2344)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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  (303): I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself http://tfl.nu/q2o1
  Replies (3) Good night (1218) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.

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  (507): currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing. http://tfl.nu/nh19
  Replies (9) Good night (1734) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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  (661): He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth! http://tfl.nu/q4tp
  Replies (22) Good night (2365) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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  (208): Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos. http://tfl.nu/080u
  Replies (7) Good night (2471) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6767) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt