That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
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i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd