Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.