i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
should my penis look like a turkey
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
with your own penis?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here