We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.