I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now