Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.