Texts From Last Night

gorjess2004's Favorites Texts:

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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2125) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
  Replies (6) Good night (3041) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?

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  (775): He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him? http://tfl.nu/kkqj
  Replies (19) Good night (621) Bad night (1648)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.

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  (586): I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird. http://tfl.nu/l2d5
  Replies (13) Good night (1077) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
  Replies (12) Good night (1706) Bad night (260)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Awkward

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.

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  (614): Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH. (440): Awkward (614): Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again. http://tfl.nu/iqp6
  Replies (2) Good night (755) Bad night (215)
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  (518): View more from New York

  You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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  (518): You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with http://tfl.nu/vbdb
  Replies (5) Good night (1794) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
  Replies (4) Good night (2201) Bad night (311)
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  (925): View more from California

  I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send

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  (925): I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send http://tfl.nu/fpx2
  Replies (5) Good night (698) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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  (505): It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand. http://tfl.nu/gh3l
  Replies (3) Good night (334) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.

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  (307): These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line. http://tfl.nu/f42j
  Replies (2) Good night (1718) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
  Replies (10) Good night (6699) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (365): View more from

  As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

  (1-365): View more from

  I was judging you.

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  (365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over. (1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin
  Replies (3) Good night (3002) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
  Replies (19) Good night (3681) Bad night (1306) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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  (509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen http://tfl.nu/7gtm
  Replies (4) Good night (2380) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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  (870): Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk? http://tfl.nu/4pki
  Replies (9) Good night (504) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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  (813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
  Replies (28) Good night (3686) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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  (724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me. http://tfl.nu/rflf
  Replies (10) Good night (3500) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
  Replies (28) Good night (1889) Bad night (4868) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.

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  (406): Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home. http://tfl.nu/eyf5
  Replies (6) Good night (777) Bad night (298)
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  (310): View more from California

  My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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  (310): My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick. http://tfl.nu/xvdr
  Replies (9) Good night (1628) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point

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  (863): Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point http://tfl.nu/nvoe
  Replies (7) Good night (699) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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  (406): I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive http://tfl.nu/6hck
  Replies (3) Good night (1100) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

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  (516): Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA http://tfl.nu/40i2
  Replies (2) Good night (967) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
  Replies (24) Good night (2536) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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  (757): you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR. http://tfl.nu/zp8x
  Replies (8) Good night (1614) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.

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  (417): Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny. http://tfl.nu/ihx0
  Replies (2) Good night (1232) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

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  (206): i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet. http://tfl.nu/qbs8
  Replies (4) Good night (823) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  You're a good friend.

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  (770): I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that. (1-770): You're a good friend. http://tfl.nu/ln0z
  Replies (2) Good night (1073) Bad night (220)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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  (954): i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future http://tfl.nu/c3ju
  Replies (4) Good night (1939) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?

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  (801): Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous? http://tfl.nu/yl4t
  Replies (9) Good night (1593) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.

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  (215): you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out. http://tfl.nu/raqc
  Replies (5) Good night (914) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning

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  (513): I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning http://tfl.nu/nen4
  Replies (0) Good night (543) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  PS: I just woke up from my shower

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  (636): PS: I just woke up from my shower http://tfl.nu/57k9
  Replies (6) Good night (1184) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
  Replies (15) Good night (8397) Bad night (1029)
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  (909): View more from California

  Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

  (951): View more from California

  That's just where I'm at in my life.

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  (909): Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!" (951): That's just where I'm at in my life. http://tfl.nu/gh6a
  Replies (10) Good night (1444) Bad night (784)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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  (902): He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it... http://tfl.nu/at35
  Replies (6) Good night (1565) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
  Replies (17) Good night (4485) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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  (802): Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets. http://tfl.nu/f9nv
  Replies (6) Good night (1153) Bad night (2425) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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  (403): his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly. http://tfl.nu/boxe
  Replies (7) Good night (4009) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Actually, she's fat now, so...

  (817): View more from Texas

  Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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  (817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but... (1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so... (817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson. http://tfl.nu/7993
  Replies (27) Good night (1719) Bad night (4881)