so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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