There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You coming home soon, man?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.