When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...