It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.