Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.