Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.