I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.