I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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