I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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