the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
false alarm. still invincible.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.