So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This girl is more easily done than said...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.