Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...