I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"