I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?