I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
