I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.