remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
