I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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