I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see