whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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