her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He had some BAD nuttage
It's like cleavage......... but different
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think this conversation is over.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"