i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this