Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes