walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.