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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he puts the penis in happiness.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
someone threw a dead crab at me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
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