Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.