I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
