She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.