you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING