I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.