i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fill condoms, not promises.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i've created a new STD.