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We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i've created a new STD.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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